Burn baby burn

So I just realised that the title of this post could have various meanings considering I'm having a baby. I really want to get across that I don't want my baby to burn, not even singe its hairs a little bit.. I actually just wanted to talk briefly about heartburn - just one of the other lovely side effects of pregnancy - and something else I'm a first timer at! Yes, I'm a virgin at heartburn and I hope I'll never have it again, unless my pregnancy cherry is popped again of course. Holy dooley its horrible, like the baby is puff the magic dragon breathing fire up my oesophagus pipe. Best tip: don't lie down after eating, it makes the dragon closer to the pipe. Second best tip: antacids! Yay for the saviour named Rennie (no product promotion, just happens to be the one I bought). AND apparently I up my dose of calcium for the day when I have one.. I told you it was the saviour! Mind you, with all the milk I'm drinking (you could almost call it a craving - can't get enough) this kid is going to have bones of steel. Notice my tips didn't include cutting back on chilli, chocolate or cups of tea - all impossible for me - just extra doses of my mate Rennie instead.

And the constipation continues along with the extra hair growth (in not-so entertaining places and quite frankly, hard to keep up with) and the lovely blotchy skin. I'm sure you now have a charming picture of a blotchy red faced stuffed up fat lady with hair in places you wish you didn't picture. I could go into the details of amusing dances and positions I now take on the toilet - but I won't. 

One of my new symptoms includes round ligament pain.  Now, I'm a physiotherapist and the cocky side of me was thinking "what is this round ligament they speak of? I know all the ligaments in the pelvis and I don't know about this round ligament" la-dee-da. Well, I tell you right now, I know alllllll about this bloody thing now. Google images and wikipedia enlightened me (of course) and I'm sure you're chomping at the bit waiting to find out what its all about, so I won't hold back any longer! Its one of the ligaments that holds the uterus in, so it doesn't fall out I guess. And as your uterus grows, the old ligament stretches accordingly, causing another uncomfortable pain, kind of like a stitch. Initially, it was a bit of panic attack because I definitely had not gone on any marathon run to earn a stitch: "oh my god, is the baby falling out?" or "oh my god, does puff the magic dragon have a knife in there?". Rolling in bed tends to pull it to either side which can make it worse, especially when I'm rolling from side to side at least 100,000 times in one night nowadays. And I try to roll without disturbing either the cat, the dog or the bloke.. depending who's in the bed at the time. Sleeping through the night is non existent these days due to the conscious effort of trying not to disturb whichever furry thing is in my bed plus trying not to sleep on my back or my stomach. I think its just preparing me for the fact that I won't get a good nights sleep for the next .... lets just say ever.

Apparently the baby is now covered in cheese. I'm still unsure of the significance of this - am I supposed to go and buy some crackers and make sure she tastes good with herself? Or maybe its making up for all the soft cheeses I can't eat? Maybe its there to avoid any confusion of eating it - stay away from all soft cheese! She's also drinking her own pee along with the amniotic fluid and her meconium (poo). Awesome.. when she's older and whinging about being hungry, I'm going to teach her survival skills like in the good old womb days and tell her to drink her own pee - it works in the desert. Ha! Tell me you're hungry now chickadee! Mum's food looks amazing now doesn't it hehehe.. already picturing teenage bickering! 


I'm supposed to be feeling the baby move any time now.. well I haven't yet, I think. There have been a couple of times I have wondered but usually I'm distracted and wonder if that was it after the fact but then it doesn't happen again. I read somewhere that once you feel it, you will know and feel it every day after that.. so I'm still waiting.. waiting for the quickening - who knew it was called this? The only person who opened me up to this term was an elderly childless spinster nurse, go figure. I'm getting a wee bit impatient waiting for this quickening.. not very quick as far as I'm concerned. Maybe I should rename it the slowening? Or the slackening? Or the I'll-let-you-feel-me-when-I'm-readying???

I just had another context for the title of this post "burn baby burn". This time its in reference to the sonographer we had last week for our second scan.  Well, well, well.. where do I begin.. the scanning place rang the week before to let me know the usual scanning chick won't be available due to blah blah and the back-up lady also can't make it so can I come in another day and I said no because its hard enough for Joe and I to organise a day off together. So they offered a complimentary 4D scan in future because their back-up for the back-up can't do it. Disappointing but we'd booked the day off so may as well go and make sure the nugget is still alive and kicking. I should've realised it was doomed from the start. At least my bladder didn't burst in the waiting room this time. Oh and I brought my mum this time because she's never seen one before "they weren't around in my day" etc etc and it was so great for us last time.


So we go in and we have Dorothy the dinosaur scanning lady. I got on the bed and asked if we can have the TV on above the bed so I can see (like last time) instead of craning my neck and she curtly said 'its doesn't work' so Joe the TV expert said he would give it a go and try and make it work.. magically he hit the power button and it came straight on - Joe needs to change his profession to miracle worker! It was eerily quiet right throughout the scan, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse (except the baby who was wriggling like a mexican jumping bean). Getting any information was like drawing blood from a stone.. and my questions weren't cryptic brain teasers, pretty straight forward like "is the baby ok?" or "is it a girl?" and "soooo, is it a girl???" Dorothy was very blunt, abrupt and occasionally outright rude with her answers. Oh and not very convincing on the sex of the baby - great! We were hoping for some confirmation but Dorothy spent all her energy and focus on trying to work out the machine that she forgot her bedside manner. She said the baby is measuring 18wks and 1 day and I said lightheartedly 'last time it measured earlier and today its measuring later so it will probably change again I reckon' and had a bit of a laugh to which Dorothy barked back "I'm only going by the measurements" OK OK lady - calm down!!! I also asked to listen to the heart beat for my mum's sake and Dorothy says "its not good for the baby" what a crock of shit.. you just can't outright lie like that! Then I asked for the pictures on disc (like last time) and she even tried to get out of that one. Anyway, she gave me a disc and I got home and no pictures on the disc!!! Surprise surprise....


I'm not one to complain (haha I know you don't believe me after reading these posts) but I usually don't 'make complaints' if you know what I mean. Not this time.. no no no. Polite Mary was out the window.. although when I made a complaint a few days later to the practice manager, I was polite about it. I said I realised she wasn't the regular but there's no need to be rude or lie and above all, I'm a clinician and its not hard to have a bedside manner, especially because I'm a virgin mum!!! I told her I felt more confident about the sex of the baby from the first scan rather than the second scan which isn't right. So she's sending me the pictures, apologised profusely and wants me to call her for my complimentary booking to make sure I get the nice lady. At least the jellybean is alive and kicking - she wouldn't stop, maybe that was part of the problem for the dinosaur.


We also had our first midwife appointment that morning before the scan and I'm not sure if I've mentioned it but I'm having the baby in a birth centre. Thats right, minimum pain relief, maximum craziness. But we have a lovely midwife who is normal and down to earth and hopefully the peanut doesn't come on her day off. I asked Joe if he would look 'down there' when it comes to the time and he said no way, he would fall over.. the midwife was disppointed as she hoped Joe would do all the work.. not sure thats a wise move midwifey, otherwise we'll have to admit Joe into ED downstairs! (by the way, lets call midwifey "Caspar" - one of the three wise men if you didn't already get it). The meeting with Caspar was an introduction about what to expect. We got to see the birth centre room and their emphasis on moving about, bouncy balls, pools and showers.  And of course Joe got to know his important job of trolley dolly - snacks and drinks man - as well as music man and basically beck-and-call man.


Two days later I received a text from Caspar - scans are all good. Thank you Caspar, thank you for being normal.

Mens deoderant and first scans

Let's face it, my armpits and the rest of me have become 2 separate identities. If you were standing next to me on the bus and I was holding the rail above, you wouldn't even be polite, you'd tell me to sort that shit out. BUT only if you were standing on my right.. weird I know, but for some reason, all my stinky cells have converged into my right armpit. Poor Joe, he sleeps on my right side and most of the time he drives the car, so he's always on my right stinky side. My pathetic deoderants weren't cutting it, so I had to move to the industrial strength blokes pit spray and it seems to work! Fortunately for me, I love the smell of Joe's deoderant, however I'm sure the general population query my gender when they walk past (apart from the protruding bump and the coloured hair and the occasional dress that is). I could always say that we just had hot steamy sex and I'm now smothered in man-smell... but that would be a lie.

So much has happened in the last couple of weeks.. we finally met our baby on the big screen - what an experience. Firstly, there was the filling of the bladder for the scan.  The woman tells me when I made the scan booking "drink one litre of water prior to an hour before your appointment, then go to the toilet, THEN drink another 600mls" so of course I did exactly what I was told - struggling the whole way (the slow digestion even happens with water!!!). Then I virtually pee'd about 200-300mls and then drank the 600mls. So I reckon by the time I got to the screening place my bladder was holding over a litre. I told the girl at the desk and she said if it got too bad that I could go to the toilet, count to 5 and then stop... well, I knew that if I even got to 5, the gates would be open and there would be no turning back. I said I'd see how I went. Meanwhile it got to the point that I was almost in tears, couldn't sit down and was doing laps of the waiting room. So I went to the toilet 3 times to let some out (not counting to five, maybe to two). When I went into the scan, I could barely get on the bed, I was waddling like I was 39 weeks pregnant and Joe almost had to get a forklift for me. I was fighting back the tears and then the probe was pushing into my belly - I nearly had to call it quits until the sonographer lady said to me "OH MY GOD, how are you holding that much in your bladder? Your bladder is actually pushing into your womb and I can't really get the best pictures" well duh - now you tell me. So she took a few photos and then told me to empty my bladder (woohoo!) and once I did that she could actually see the munchkin and I could enjoy the whole thing.  The first thing that Joe said "there's only one" yep, there's only one, thank goodness.  It was such a relief when I saw the baby moving! I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before (I don't really spend my days re-reading my own blog) but the couple of weeks before the scan I was feeling much better, less nausea and more energy so I wasn't really feeling pregnant. I was just hoping the baby was still there and healthy. Well, we were not disappointed, it was moving around like a mexican jumping bean, giving us a bit of a show (and a wave at one stage). THANK GOD ITS STILL THERE AND MOVING. It was flipping about and kicking and stretching - what an amazing sight. Then I heard the heartbeat and it opened the other floodgates, I was sobbing like a little girl. Dammit, I was trying to be tough too. We wanted to know the sex and it seems that its a girl! Wow. You could've knocked Joe over with a feather. Of course at this stage its only 75% and I didn't want to shout it from the rooftops yet until it is confirmed at the next scan but there was definitely no 'bits' sticking out anywhere. Joe's family don't have girls, apparently in 5 generations there's only 3 girls.. so everyone wanted a girl, my mum and his mum and I secretly did because Joe already has an 8yo boy but of course I would've been happy either way. Joe doesn't know what the hell he's going to do with a girl, he only knows boys toys and games.  I told him she will be the apple of his eye - daddy's girl (to which he admitted under his breath). We have a name but that is top secret, we have to keep some surprises! It was a very emotional day and it kept me on a high for a few days after that.

After the scan I called my mum, I knew that as soon as she answered the phone I would be a mess.. I rang her at work, she picked up the phone and I couldn't talk through the tears and she thought something had gone wrong and I managed a meek "no, its a girl" and then she was balling and had to go get someone to do her job so she could compose herself and call me back. I told her later that instead of thinking I was 12 weeks and 1 day, I'm actually 12 weeks and 5 days which means the baby is due on her birthday - 18th October - more sobbing. Maybe the sooky la la trait is genetic.

I got the scan results the other day for Down Syndrome and other chromosomal disorders and my doctor made me wait for an hour and 10mins - hello! Stressed out and anxious pregnant lady in the waiting room! Note to all: do not keep the following people waiting - pregnant women, people with young children and especially the elderly (the elderly will complain, yell at receptionists and write a letter to their local councillor). So apparently I'm very low risk for all these disorders.. my age automatically put me in the high risk bracket but coming up the field was my blood test and the nuchal thickness - all strong contenders that got us clearly over the line. Another THANK GOD moment. 

Oooh I meant to tell you all that I got the job on the other side of the milky way! It is permanent so all is good again in the world. I am a little nervous about having to tell the new boss lady but hopefully she will be understanding (thats what I keep telling myself). I finished my current job yesterday and it was sad as I was working 5 mins from home with a great team. They gave me a going away gift which is baby stuff and our first baby gifts (apart from my mum who has already bought stuff with more to come she keeps telling me). And amongst all this, we had to buy a new car because we will need 2 cars for work. We were going to buy a newbie closer to the due date anyway but it just had to come sooner. So, we went all out and bought a brand new family car, the Mazda CX5 - its soo goddamn sexy, I still almost wet my pants when I get in it! And thats not the dodgy pregnant bladder either... we find ourselves driving around constantly , making excuses to drive to the other end of Queensland to 'look at stuff'. Its an exciting time and I'm looking forward to popping a baby capsule in there and driving bub around, showing off my new baby in my new car hehehe (hopefully not falling asleep at the wheel).

We've started collecting menial baby stuff like baby powder, baby cotton buds, baby bath stuff and nappy rash cream - even napisan which is damn expensive!!! Its nice to plan, be organised and early, because BP (before pregnancy) I wouldn't have even be on time for my own funeral so this is also new to me.  Joe cleaned out the front room last weekend which is going to be the baby's room (I still find it weird to say 'nursery' don't ask me why because I don't know) and he just wants to buy stuff and fill it now. We've finally picked a cot and confirmed which pram and today I was enquiring about stock availability and noone has any in stock, they have to be ordered. So Joe cracks a hissy fit because he just wants to 'build it'. He wants to buy the stuff (he doesn't really care what stuff) and he just wants to construct it all and doesn't want to wait for it to come in. So, here I am already dealing with the child chucking the tantrum in the corner because he can't get what he wants now. I am going to be an expert by the time this kid comes along.

Sleeping bloaty

Just call me sookylalaweepyemotionalwrecksleepstandingupmcwhingepants.  I am truly stuffed. I've got past the 10 week mark and the nausea is finally wearing off but the tiredness and weepiness are still in full swing and making up for the waning nausea. Last weekend I slept 11 hours on saturday night (officially a nanna) and then on sunday had an involuntary nap - it forced itself on me - for 2 whole hours!!! That is unheard of, even for sleep-loving me. Maybe its the universes way of giving me all this sleep before I have the cherub and I forget what sleep is. I already daydream about walking around like a zombie for the first months of my jellybean's life, so I'm trying to think of ways I can sleep while doing housework - I'll let you know if I come up with something (I reckon I'll end up pretty rich if I think of something, so you may never hear from me again! Especially if I'm on my own private island...).

Last week I was almost at my end point.. the stress of becoming one of the locals "up the duff and jobless" was getting too much for me and I was nearly having serial conniptions. I'm surprised the bun is still hanging around in the oven! I reckon if its still there, its there to stay after the last week or so. Anyway, I went for a job interview last wednesday and it went ok (as good as any interview could be, you all know you walk out and think "I should've said this and that") and the only drawback is that its as far away from home as physically possible without having to catch a plane to work.  Then on the way back from the interview I got a call from my current (awesome) boss telling me my current contract has been extended 3 more months and they will advertise the role. Bloody hell. They know how to push a girl to the edge. Prior to that call I had 6 working days left and now its 3 months and 6 days. Wow. How things can change in 5 minutes. And if they advertise, that would be a good thing because I have a chance at my own job rather than them giving it to someone else (which was their original plan). So now the thing is - what if I get the job on the other side of the planet when I might have a chance at my own job 5 minutes from home. Do I gamble - throw away the permanent job (and paid maternity leave) to hope I'll get a permanent job nearby? Ahhh geez. I think I'll take the job that I have to travel through time. At least its guaranteed. I'm hoping if I get the job, my boss can tell the powers that be and they'll beg me to stay - LOL, its the government, as if. (I'm secretly hoping I don't get the interuniverse job so I don't have to make the decision).

The other day Joe and I went to the cinema (yes kids, you too can look forward to getting old and excited that this is your big night out).  We saw the Hunger Games which was very good and during one of the ads prior to the movie, I think they were advertising deodorant or a car or fertiliser - and I started crying. Lordy lord lord, I am officially a sook. If you've seen the Hunger Games, one of the characters dies (its not a spoiler) and I balled uncontrollably for 5-10mins. I can be in the car belting out Flame Trees by Cold Chisel at the top of my voice (yes, it happens often and often by myself) and I have to dodge the semi-trailer coming towards me because the tears are obstructing my view of the road. (Note to all - stay off the roads around Ipswich/Boonah/Rosewood/Esk/Fernvale for the next 5-6months or so). Emotional and unsafe. What a package I am. I'm not sure why I wasn't snapped up earlier.

So last week, I discover my uterus. Not in a kinky-internal kinda way but in a normal palpable external kinda way. The books (or baby bibles I like to call them because every word they speak happens on time and I'm a believer) say that my uterus has grown just big enough to pop out above my pubic bone.  So when I'm not having a particularly bloaty day (VERY rare) I can feel my hard little uterus that is the size of a grapefruit.  So I tell Joe alllll about it (like I've said many times, poor Joe, he hears about EVERYTHING which is probably way too many female bodily functions for the male species to still be attracted to us) and Joe freaks out. Maybe I finally found his tolerance level. He can't handle the whole living-organism-in-my-abdomen thing.  He relates it to alien.  So of course, I forced him to feel it "but its your baby honey" "surely you want to feel your baby" etc etc. He caved and felt the hard grapefruit and is not a fan - still creepy. Not gushing over "ohhh thats my baby" oh no, more like "ewww thats creepy and I'm waiting for a hand to reach out and grab me". So darling you're not going to feel the baby kicking when it starts happening? NOOOOOO way says Joe. Hopefully I can force him then too. This kind of stuff only happens once or twice. Notice I didn't go for more than twice!

First scan is in less than 2 weeks.  Joe just wants to see if there's more than one heartbeat. I think if there's more than one heartbeat, mine may stop so they'll end up with 2 heartbeats overall.  In the beginning of the pregnancy I had a dream about twins (being reefed out of my womanly bits) and 2 people mentioned twins when we told them. So, Joe is hanging off all these ideas.  There are no twins in my family or Joe's but they say as you get older there are higher chances of ovulating 2 eggs at once (you can call me superovulator if thats the case). Pfffft there's only one in there and if there's 2, they aren't mine, I'll have to question Joe. Oh wait...

Mixed tape

Ok, so its been a while since I've written.. quite frankly, I've been too unwell to think about it! So much for my reprieve from "morning sickness"!!! This last week and half has been a rollercoaster - stress, sickness, emotional wreck (I cry watching the news), headaches to bring down a country and of course so bloody tired. Again, I'm sorry Joe. I really should never tease you again about man-flu whinging (but I probably will).

For the first time in my life, I have employment insecurity.. and what great timing it is. I've never had problems holding a job down or being employable.. in fact, its always been the opposite for me (luckily). I'm wondering if my nine lives have run out! Ohhh what a time to possibly be without employment. I don't do things in halves! I'm sure it'll be ok. I might pick up some temp work until something permanent comes in.. I'm sure all this stress is hardening up the bundle of joy brewing inside - thats what I'm telling myself anyway...

I told my boss that I was pregnant. I know, a big gamble but I was chatting to her about my contract being renewed and she has been pushing "the powers that be" and they don't seem to be coming to the party. So I walked out of her office, called Joe, broke down in tears and thought I've got nothing to lose by telling her at this point. She's a family woman and will understand. And maybe she'll fight the fight even more for me. Well, I marched into her office all confident, then broke down in tears again and told her I'm preggers. She was so excited and gave me a hug and said she will fight for me no matter what. Here's hoping.

Yesterday I had the headache from hell. Everytime I woke up from my slumber, my head started pounding instantly. Not sure if its the stress or the fact that I'm dehydrated. I'm tipping its a bit of both. Funny thing is, I slept and slept and slept. Sleepy McSnorepants I was - until 1pm when the phone rang. I'm wondering how long I would've slept if I wasn't so rudely interrupted by my work phone! At least the head felt a bit better and I drank water like a fish (and in turn, started peeing like a racehorse). The headache still continues today but its eased off enough for me to write something today. I've just gotta get over the fact that all I want to do (and probably need to do) is nothing. Absolutely diddly-squat. I've been sleeping and lying around watching episodes of parenthood (I know, its probably embarrassing but I don't care - blame the baby). I feel guilty for taking this time but Joe keeps reassuring me I must need it and I need to slow down if I'm cooking this bun in my oven. Ok, I'll try.

I was reading about breastfeeding yesterday.. holy dooley! I didn't realise it was such a science. I thought you popped the kid on there until it was full and take it off and maybe give it a burp and voila! Done and dusted. But nooooo I apparently was a bit far off - even Joe knew more than I did. There's football holds and hips/shoulder positions, pillows and lots of touching your own boobies to avoid sore nipples. Then there's the pain when the milk actually comes down and cold cabbage leaves. Man, have I got a lot to learn.

Last night I was chatting to Joe about the possibility of a "mixed tape" for the birth. He laughed and reminded me it would be the ipod. I realise that, but don't ruin my retro nostalgia honey.  I came up with some very apt songs I thought would be great in the birth suite... let me know what you think:

Push it - Salt n Pepa

Against all odds - Phil Collins

Baby Got back - Sir Mix-a-lot (for breech birth)

Born to be alive - Patrick Hernandez

Breaking the girl - Red hot chilli peppers

Feels like the first time - Foreigner

Nothings gonna stop us now - Starship

Can't stop this thing we started - Bryan Adams

Breathe - Prodigy

Can you feel it - the Jacksons

Can't fight this feeling - REO Speedwagon

Highway to hell - ACDC

Come as you are - Nirvana

Cuts like a knife - Bryan Adams (too much???)

Darling it hurts - Paul Kelly

Do you really want to hurt me - Culture club

You can't hurry love - The Supremes

Killing me softly - Fugees

Bust a move - Young MC

Sexy and I know it - LMFAO (particularly for the "wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle yeah")

Shut up - Black eyed peas (particularly for Joe when needed)

Slip slidin away - Paul Simon

Better be home soon - Crowded house

The Winner takes it all - ABBA

Survivor - Destinys child

P.S.  as we speak, I just got unexpected "get well" flowers delivered home.. they were from Joe - he is the most amazing, caring and thoughtful man and every day I love him more and more..  I couldn't think of anyone I would rather have as the father of my child.

Sooky sixth week

So apparently the morning sickness is not staying in its hole for 7 weeks.  Just when I thought it was gone... its come back with a vengeance.  Damn it.  I think it went away for a while then came back all refreshed and ready to screw me over, just like the tax man after he's been on holidays. So every day I'm nauseous (generally all day) along with all the other things that come with those pregnancy hormones. I've now become an emotional wreck (like someone from the biggest loser - I cried when a baby cried in the doctors today) and my tiredness and sore boobies have ramped up as well.  Joy. Poor Joe, my whinging may have even taken over the man flu whinging (I know girls, impossible but true).

Food has become my saviour (amen) to stave off the nausea, but the only problem is I don't feel like most foods. For the first time in my life, I'm fussy about food. Just when I really need to grab the first thing to get me by. Typical. I'm finding sweet things are horrible, they generally make me feel worse. Yesterday I had a piece of blueberry tea cake (only because I was in a meeting and worried I may vomit on my colleagues and give away the big secret) and it made me feel like poo. I can only stomach savoury things like yummy quiches, pies and vegemite toast. I'm going to be the size of 2 houses. 2 houses without gestational diabetes (hopefully).

Today was my first visit to my own doctor.  I love it how the doctors ask "are you happy about the pregnancy?" ha yes, we are happy but if there's anything you can do to speed it up (especially past this first trimester), it would be greatly appreciated?! Then the doctor looks relieved. I'm guessing they're not too fond of the alternative answers.  So all went well at the doctors, she took my blood pressure which was excellent, my height which was shorter than I thought (disappointing as I already thought I was a short ass) and my weight which we won't discuss here, ever or anywhere. Its feeling a bit more real today and I'm wondering if thats why I'm quite teary today (omg what am I doing???) not that I'm questioning my decision, more that I'm actually wondering what I'm doing - I have no idea. At least there's enough people in my life that have, thankfully.  And I told the doctor she will have to give me some guidance to which she agreed - phew.  Imagine if she said no. Haha worst doctor ever. I had a blood test today and another lovely urine test which I managed to successfully get in the bottle.. and my hand and everywhere else again.  I wonder if you ever get 'good' at doing a urine test? Hmmm well I'm not about to start practising.

I told my doc that I'm planning on having my baby at the birth centre.  She said that they cater for low risk births and because this is my first baby and I'm over 35 (shhhh) then they can be classed as 'complications' but to see what the birth centre says.  She is still happy to refer me there.

Speaking of which, the birth centre also called me today to get my medical history.  I said no to everything that started with "do you have.." and it will go to the powers that be to see if I can get in. Looks like I applied early enough so should be ok if they class me as low risk. The midwife was lovely and said that if there is more than one baby at my first scan, then that will change things (hell yeah lady!).  I said to her that would definitely put me in the 'heart attack' category as well as the 'mental health' category so I'm sure I'd be ruled out after that anyway.

I'm off to see Mary Poppins tonight at the theatre with the work crew.  I have offered to drive so noone questions why I'm not drinking.  Seems that is the hardest thing to keep from people.  They all know I enjoy a beverage or two so trying to get out of it is difficult.  Even at the baby shower on the weekend, I had to tell the mum-to-be I can't drink due to driving 3 hours back to Brisbane to which she replied "I was counting on you as one of my drinkers".  Oh dear, I need to lay low over the next 6 weeks!

Windy week 5

I don't care what anyone says, pregnancy = farting. There's no denying it.  So if you walk into an aisle in a supermarket and smell the stench of dead ass, it will coincide with the preggo chicky attempting to run out the door quick smart (more so she doesn't have to smell it either). So give her a break.  Early on in the pregnancy, it happens for whatever reason (excess gas, bowel distention blah blah) and well, I just found out it apparently happens throughout the pregnancy. Awesome. I get to look forward to the cool stuff (at least now I have an excuse).

I made the mistake before of reading "what you might be feeling" in the 9th month - holy jebus. I'm wondering if there's more aches and pains during that month than in some of my 90 year old patients lifetimes. I won't list them, it might put any prospective mother off and I'm sure I'll whinge about them later.

Speaking of whinging, poor Joe has been putting up with my whinging like there's no tomorrow.  There's the "oh my boobies, they're so heavy and sore" and "oh my belly's so bloated" and "oh I feel so premenstrual" (I thought I was getting rid of that for 40 weeks!) and "oh I'm farting so much" and "oh I feel sick".  I had to explain it to him that its like when he has man-flu. So he agreed and conceded he will have to put up with the equivalent of nine months of man-flu.  Poor guy, I really feel for him.

Last week didn't go without its theatrics (already). Mother dearest was wondering why I was telling friends and not all the family. I had to pull the granzilla card and remind her I've told immediate family and some of our close friends are like family to us. By the way, its my baby lady! Hehehe I realise she's just bursting with excitement to be a grandma and wants to gloat about it to everyone. In good time grandma, in good time.

Speaking of telling people, I told my grandad (affectionately known as Pa) on the weekend. Joe and I pulled him aside at the family dinner and told him. He was so damn happy, he cried, Joe cried and I cried. Pa even did a little jig. It was a ray of sunshine on a cloudy decade. My nan is unwell with dementia and he's on the verge of putting her in a nursing home, so it was very welcome news. He kept grabbing my arm all night and telling me how happy he was, that we've made his decade and I now need to take it easy (bless him). I had to remind him, he will be a great greandfather! He can't wait. Its so nice to get genuine and unconditional excitement, what a beautiful moment.

This week I'm finding the morning sickness has backed off completely. Woohoo. One less thing that Joe has to hear about it this week. I wonder if it will stay in its hole for the next 7 weeks or so.  Did I mention I was tired? I'm so tired in the afternoon, it must be all the people bits I'm making.  I'm like an elf factory for humans.  This week the pinhead transforms into a tadpole, so apparently I'm carrying Kermit the frogs kid. Well, I was always a big fan of the muppets. This week I'm in the middle of manufacturing the tadpoles heart and its starting to beat (woooah). No wonder I'm sooo god damn exhausted.  Making a heart is a full time job.

Workin hard for the baby

First week at work being up the duff (that I'm aware of anyway). Every morning we have a brief meeting to quickly run over clients/patients and I'm sitting there feeling quite ordinary and all I can think about is that I'm a baby factory. They are happily talking away about different patients and I'm sitting there silently screaming "I'M PREGNANT, DON'T YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND?? IT'S DIFFERENT TODAY, ITS NOT A NORMAL DAY. I'M UP THE DUFF, YOU KNOW, BUN IN THE OVEN, RIDING THE BABY TRAIN.. I CAN'T REALLY FOCUS ON ANY--" ahh and what do you think Mary? Mary? Maaary? (thats me) Mary how do you think they are going? umm oh yeah they are fine, going well, doing their exercises and walking better.... still silently screaming "IT DOESN'T MATTER, I'M P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T CAN'T YOU SEE?". Then personality splitting into "oh my god, do you think they know, can they tell? I hope they can't see my morning sickness, especially since all of a sudden I need to snack on nuts to get me through the morning, shiiiiiiiiiit - act normal, act normal". Wow pregnancy has turned me into a schizophrenic. A peeing, nauseous, tired as all hell schizophrenic. I didn't know it had that power.

Its funny how all of a sudden patients are asking me if I am married or if I have kids.. I'm thinking almost and almost but out loud - "no and no", I have a partner and he's a good fella, we are very happy and it might be on the cards but not yet .. hehe fooled them! One of the days at work I felt a little dizzy and lightheaded and asked one of the nurses to take my blood pressure, first thing she said was "you're not pregnant are you?" in a ha ha funny tone.. same response from the other physio.. both times I laugh along with them and say "no way! that would be bad timing wouldn't it" oh dear. I'm going to hell.  Fancy that, Mary going to hell.  Bet that wasn't documented.

Blood pressure was fine by the way.

By the time thursday came, I was exhausted.   Thursday arvo I was feeling off, nauseous (not usually reserved for the arvo), very tired and emotional.  Joe was still away at his work conference and all I wanted was a cuddle (I'm needy, I know). During the middle of the night that night the cat woke me and up and I felt instantly sick (not at the cat, although sometimes understandable) so by friday morning my boobs ached like never before and I thought I just can't go in to work today. I felt bad but I needed more sleep to knock over this crappy feeling. So I stayed home and slept on and off and kind of watched tv.  Felt much better for it.. thank goodness, for everyone's sake.

Finally Joe is home yay! I get my cuddle and a special treat for dinner (not what you're thinking, just pasta). No friday night goon night for me either.. I don't need it anyway because I pass out on the couch by about 10pm (very early for me - thanks pinhead).

Start spreading the news (but don't tell anyone)

The night of the big news from the doc, we are going to a fancy dress party.. a delayed halloween crossed with valentines day party. We had a great idea, Joe will go as Chucky from the movie Childs Play and I will go as Bride of Chucky (who apparently came into the movies later). This felt very apt to us.. (background check: the week before we went to A Day on the Green and Joe got down on one knee, I said yes and we had a lovely audience of some random people on the hill who clapped and cheered us.. mind you, I had been on the tipple all day, blissfully unaware I was in the process of making a person). We agreed we wouldn't tell many people about the bun in the oven, if any at all. I had already told my best friend as well as my bro but I wasn't sure who else to tell.. we met some friends beforehand and these particular friends are quite enamored by the odd alcoholic beverage and I knew that if I said I wasn't drinking, they would either know I was up the duff or force some kind of feral shot down my throat so I decided to tell them.. 

I'm afraid that may have started the snowball of people knowing. My lovely Joe told one of his closest friends and due to our recent engagement (which we are also keeping quiet due to no bling yet and I don't have the patience to fend off the "where's the ring?" or "have you got the ring yet?" questions) so when people were whispering congratulations, I wasn't sure if it was about my trout in the well or the engagement.. but most of the time it was the trout or both.. I left the party early (being sober at fancy dress drinking games parties are really NO fun) to stay at mum and dads and had to tell the crew that I wasn't feeling well. Being rather partial to an alcoholic beverage myself, its going to be very hard to attend any parties, BBQ's or gatherings because all of my friends know of my occasional over-indulgence.

Oh I almost forgot.. on the way to the coast for the party, we stopped at a shopping centre to get the final touches to our costumes and I am slowly realising - I can't eat anything!!! Geez, once upon a time the food world was my oyster and now, when you're in a food court, you're lucky if you can even touch a napkin let alone eat some of that food thats been sitting there for ??? (morning sickness or no morning sickness, I don't really want to think about how long that food's been sitting there - and don't mention the "beef" on the spit at the kebab shops - I like to call it elephant leg *vom*). Then, here we are happily eating away and Joe blurts out "what are we going to do about child care or day care?" I'm like WHAT?? I'm just getting used to the idea of being an incubator and you're thinking way too far ahead, even for you darling Joe! I still don't know.  We could be in Haiti next year for all I know. But he has got me thinking about it and schooling.. woooah the kid is already an imaginary teenager and its no bigger than a pinhead.. hehe "pinhead" maybe that can be its nickname? For now..

Anyway, back to the after party at mum and dads.. mum comes rushing out to hug me like she's never hugged me before.. its amazing that I have to create a human being to get over-enthusiastic suffocating hugs. As I'm falling asleep on the couch, they are firing a gazillion (yes, its a metric unit) questions at me, with a bit of what I should do thrown in.. I felt like I was on millionaire crossed with CSI without the cash incentive or Eddie Maguire (thank god).

The next morning I woke up to text messages and missed calls full of congratulations.. ahhh proud and pissy Joe on the blabber wagon. Here's that snowball I was talking about.. its nice to know he's excited and not freakin out.. bless him.  And at least now he has a driver for the next however-many months (I don't think I want to type the actual number it might be). 

After waking up at mums, it hits me like a bomb.. my first bout of morning sickness (woohoo another first). I find it weird that once I discover I'm with child (or pinhead) I'm all of a sudden nauseous, is it trying to tell me something? I was perfectly fine 2 days ago when I didn't know.. is someone watching saying (in booming god-like voice) "I'll make them think twice about expanding the human race, I'll make them as sick as hell, just to make sure they are completely on board with this".  Trust me dude, the idea of pushing a watermelon out the size of a pea hole is enough to put us off if we aren't completely sure.

Is that a second line??

First things first - yes, I am up the duff, I have a bun in the oven, I am knocked up, I'm riding the baby train, in the great words of Rizzo from Grease "I am a defective typewriter" (missing a period) and possibly my favourite "I have a trout in the well" (wtf???).  But just to clarify, I am not a virgin and by no means was this an immaculate conception - far from it considering we aren't married yet.. nothing pure about that apparently! But for the sake of this blog, we will go by the names of Mary and Joseph or Joe for short.

So, the long and short of it is, I'm a first time mum and this is my story (I could say journey but its very lame and quite frankly overused).. and to give you a quick history, Joe and I decided last year that we were going to ride the baby train (well, Joe finally agreed) and it was all going to come together (no pun intended) this year, 2012. I wanted to wait till my job was sorted and we were probably going to start "actively" trying around March sometime so we could get in better preparation etc etc.. but since the new year, lets just say the baby dance became less and less inhibited once we made our minds up! But lets not go too much into the whole baby dance thing...

One regular friday night in February, you know, come home from work, collapse on the couch and open the goon.. what? This is not your typical friday night?? Anyway, a few vinos later and I realise I may just be a defective typewriter after all.. my period (the crimson tide) was due today and it didn't come.. I know what you're all thinking - too early? However, my crimson tide is always clockwork.. therefore in my tipsy state something clicked and I decided to pee on a stick (still not your typical friday night??) and I swayed out of the toilet squinting and asking Joe if he thought that was a second line.. he, in his infinite wisdom, says yes that is definitely a second line, baby I think you're pregnant.. pfffft I said, I'm not so sure about that so I will contemplate that over another goon (responsible parenting 101). I even called mum and asked her what she thought and she said she wasn't sure and maybe check again in the morning "those home pregnancy tests weren't around in my day etc etc" so I said I would check again in the morning when the old pee pee is more concentrated and I am conscious.. how can we possibly tell now when we are two sheets to the wind???

6.30am and nature calls (background check: I have always constantly peed, my bladder is weak as hell so as far as urinary frequency as a sign of pregancy goes, I will never be able to tell and shriek at the thought of a baby pressing on my bladder in later months.. although, on the bright side - can it get much worse?) so anyway nature calls and in my half sleepy-tripping-over-the-dog state grab the stick in question.. waiting waiting waiting at 6.30am is definitely a sobering experience.. same result - faint second line..

Ok so its saturday morning and I should be sleeping in.. instead I am staring at this stick with a billion things going through my head.. I woke Joe to tell him and he agreed and looked very excited and happy and in the same sentence started snoring again.. hmmm this stick still looks the same as it did 30 mins ago.. I know! I'll go to the doctor when Joe goes into work and see if their test is more sensitive.. 

So, the doctor affectionately asks me to pee in a bottle. I'm not sure if I was more nervous about this than the actual result! Female aiming has its own art form boys.. just when you think the bottle is in the right place underneath - BAM! the pee has a mind of its own and is somehow coming out at a 90 degree angle.. so I'm waving the bottle around (I honestly thought I had more coordination) and after getting pee on my hand, the outside of the bottle, the seat and I'm sure the walls, I managed to get some in the bottle for a sample. I couldn't help feel sorry for the Dr knowing she had to hold the bottle!

Soooo guess what? 

The doctors test was exactly the same as mine!  She said "well, you're definitely pregnant, the positive line has come up and the other one is faint but you're definitely pregnant, its just very early" woah.. 3 weeks and 5 days early to be exact.. I'm still in disbelief, shaky and my signature on the medicare form looked like it did in 3rd grade.. so I jump in the car and drive over to Joe half crying on the way and he looks at me as if to say "tell me woman!!!" I nod my head and he hugs me and off we go hand-in-hand into the sunset (well actually to Woolies to get some groceries).  Isn't it funny how you just heard life altering news, yet life still goes on?

Then I said to Joe, I have to tell mum to which he agreed.. so I call her and as soon as I blurt the words out: "I'M PREGNANT!" mum starts screeching and I start crying which starts her crying and I'm sure if we were in the same room, we would need umbrellas and raincoats.. at least everyone is happy about it, including me but I am probably somewhat more stunned.. its been talked about for years, most of my friends have done it, I've worked around it, I've held one or two and even been nicknamed "the baby whisperer" and now its me - HOLY SHIT!!! (if you're listening baby, ignore mummy's bad swear words)