Burn baby burn

So I just realised that the title of this post could have various meanings considering I'm having a baby. I really want to get across that I don't want my baby to burn, not even singe its hairs a little bit.. I actually just wanted to talk briefly about heartburn - just one of the other lovely side effects of pregnancy - and something else I'm a first timer at! Yes, I'm a virgin at heartburn and I hope I'll never have it again, unless my pregnancy cherry is popped again of course. Holy dooley its horrible, like the baby is puff the magic dragon breathing fire up my oesophagus pipe. Best tip: don't lie down after eating, it makes the dragon closer to the pipe. Second best tip: antacids! Yay for the saviour named Rennie (no product promotion, just happens to be the one I bought). AND apparently I up my dose of calcium for the day when I have one.. I told you it was the saviour! Mind you, with all the milk I'm drinking (you could almost call it a craving - can't get enough) this kid is going to have bones of steel. Notice my tips didn't include cutting back on chilli, chocolate or cups of tea - all impossible for me - just extra doses of my mate Rennie instead.

And the constipation continues along with the extra hair growth (in not-so entertaining places and quite frankly, hard to keep up with) and the lovely blotchy skin. I'm sure you now have a charming picture of a blotchy red faced stuffed up fat lady with hair in places you wish you didn't picture. I could go into the details of amusing dances and positions I now take on the toilet - but I won't. 

One of my new symptoms includes round ligament pain.  Now, I'm a physiotherapist and the cocky side of me was thinking "what is this round ligament they speak of? I know all the ligaments in the pelvis and I don't know about this round ligament" la-dee-da. Well, I tell you right now, I know alllllll about this bloody thing now. Google images and wikipedia enlightened me (of course) and I'm sure you're chomping at the bit waiting to find out what its all about, so I won't hold back any longer! Its one of the ligaments that holds the uterus in, so it doesn't fall out I guess. And as your uterus grows, the old ligament stretches accordingly, causing another uncomfortable pain, kind of like a stitch. Initially, it was a bit of panic attack because I definitely had not gone on any marathon run to earn a stitch: "oh my god, is the baby falling out?" or "oh my god, does puff the magic dragon have a knife in there?". Rolling in bed tends to pull it to either side which can make it worse, especially when I'm rolling from side to side at least 100,000 times in one night nowadays. And I try to roll without disturbing either the cat, the dog or the bloke.. depending who's in the bed at the time. Sleeping through the night is non existent these days due to the conscious effort of trying not to disturb whichever furry thing is in my bed plus trying not to sleep on my back or my stomach. I think its just preparing me for the fact that I won't get a good nights sleep for the next .... lets just say ever.

Apparently the baby is now covered in cheese. I'm still unsure of the significance of this - am I supposed to go and buy some crackers and make sure she tastes good with herself? Or maybe its making up for all the soft cheeses I can't eat? Maybe its there to avoid any confusion of eating it - stay away from all soft cheese! She's also drinking her own pee along with the amniotic fluid and her meconium (poo). Awesome.. when she's older and whinging about being hungry, I'm going to teach her survival skills like in the good old womb days and tell her to drink her own pee - it works in the desert. Ha! Tell me you're hungry now chickadee! Mum's food looks amazing now doesn't it hehehe.. already picturing teenage bickering! 


I'm supposed to be feeling the baby move any time now.. well I haven't yet, I think. There have been a couple of times I have wondered but usually I'm distracted and wonder if that was it after the fact but then it doesn't happen again. I read somewhere that once you feel it, you will know and feel it every day after that.. so I'm still waiting.. waiting for the quickening - who knew it was called this? The only person who opened me up to this term was an elderly childless spinster nurse, go figure. I'm getting a wee bit impatient waiting for this quickening.. not very quick as far as I'm concerned. Maybe I should rename it the slowening? Or the slackening? Or the I'll-let-you-feel-me-when-I'm-readying???

I just had another context for the title of this post "burn baby burn". This time its in reference to the sonographer we had last week for our second scan.  Well, well, well.. where do I begin.. the scanning place rang the week before to let me know the usual scanning chick won't be available due to blah blah and the back-up lady also can't make it so can I come in another day and I said no because its hard enough for Joe and I to organise a day off together. So they offered a complimentary 4D scan in future because their back-up for the back-up can't do it. Disappointing but we'd booked the day off so may as well go and make sure the nugget is still alive and kicking. I should've realised it was doomed from the start. At least my bladder didn't burst in the waiting room this time. Oh and I brought my mum this time because she's never seen one before "they weren't around in my day" etc etc and it was so great for us last time.


So we go in and we have Dorothy the dinosaur scanning lady. I got on the bed and asked if we can have the TV on above the bed so I can see (like last time) instead of craning my neck and she curtly said 'its doesn't work' so Joe the TV expert said he would give it a go and try and make it work.. magically he hit the power button and it came straight on - Joe needs to change his profession to miracle worker! It was eerily quiet right throughout the scan, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse (except the baby who was wriggling like a mexican jumping bean). Getting any information was like drawing blood from a stone.. and my questions weren't cryptic brain teasers, pretty straight forward like "is the baby ok?" or "is it a girl?" and "soooo, is it a girl???" Dorothy was very blunt, abrupt and occasionally outright rude with her answers. Oh and not very convincing on the sex of the baby - great! We were hoping for some confirmation but Dorothy spent all her energy and focus on trying to work out the machine that she forgot her bedside manner. She said the baby is measuring 18wks and 1 day and I said lightheartedly 'last time it measured earlier and today its measuring later so it will probably change again I reckon' and had a bit of a laugh to which Dorothy barked back "I'm only going by the measurements" OK OK lady - calm down!!! I also asked to listen to the heart beat for my mum's sake and Dorothy says "its not good for the baby" what a crock of shit.. you just can't outright lie like that! Then I asked for the pictures on disc (like last time) and she even tried to get out of that one. Anyway, she gave me a disc and I got home and no pictures on the disc!!! Surprise surprise....


I'm not one to complain (haha I know you don't believe me after reading these posts) but I usually don't 'make complaints' if you know what I mean. Not this time.. no no no. Polite Mary was out the window.. although when I made a complaint a few days later to the practice manager, I was polite about it. I said I realised she wasn't the regular but there's no need to be rude or lie and above all, I'm a clinician and its not hard to have a bedside manner, especially because I'm a virgin mum!!! I told her I felt more confident about the sex of the baby from the first scan rather than the second scan which isn't right. So she's sending me the pictures, apologised profusely and wants me to call her for my complimentary booking to make sure I get the nice lady. At least the jellybean is alive and kicking - she wouldn't stop, maybe that was part of the problem for the dinosaur.


We also had our first midwife appointment that morning before the scan and I'm not sure if I've mentioned it but I'm having the baby in a birth centre. Thats right, minimum pain relief, maximum craziness. But we have a lovely midwife who is normal and down to earth and hopefully the peanut doesn't come on her day off. I asked Joe if he would look 'down there' when it comes to the time and he said no way, he would fall over.. the midwife was disppointed as she hoped Joe would do all the work.. not sure thats a wise move midwifey, otherwise we'll have to admit Joe into ED downstairs! (by the way, lets call midwifey "Caspar" - one of the three wise men if you didn't already get it). The meeting with Caspar was an introduction about what to expect. We got to see the birth centre room and their emphasis on moving about, bouncy balls, pools and showers.  And of course Joe got to know his important job of trolley dolly - snacks and drinks man - as well as music man and basically beck-and-call man.


Two days later I received a text from Caspar - scans are all good. Thank you Caspar, thank you for being normal.