Sooky sixth week

So apparently the morning sickness is not staying in its hole for 7 weeks.  Just when I thought it was gone... its come back with a vengeance.  Damn it.  I think it went away for a while then came back all refreshed and ready to screw me over, just like the tax man after he's been on holidays. So every day I'm nauseous (generally all day) along with all the other things that come with those pregnancy hormones. I've now become an emotional wreck (like someone from the biggest loser - I cried when a baby cried in the doctors today) and my tiredness and sore boobies have ramped up as well.  Joy. Poor Joe, my whinging may have even taken over the man flu whinging (I know girls, impossible but true).

Food has become my saviour (amen) to stave off the nausea, but the only problem is I don't feel like most foods. For the first time in my life, I'm fussy about food. Just when I really need to grab the first thing to get me by. Typical. I'm finding sweet things are horrible, they generally make me feel worse. Yesterday I had a piece of blueberry tea cake (only because I was in a meeting and worried I may vomit on my colleagues and give away the big secret) and it made me feel like poo. I can only stomach savoury things like yummy quiches, pies and vegemite toast. I'm going to be the size of 2 houses. 2 houses without gestational diabetes (hopefully).

Today was my first visit to my own doctor.  I love it how the doctors ask "are you happy about the pregnancy?" ha yes, we are happy but if there's anything you can do to speed it up (especially past this first trimester), it would be greatly appreciated?! Then the doctor looks relieved. I'm guessing they're not too fond of the alternative answers.  So all went well at the doctors, she took my blood pressure which was excellent, my height which was shorter than I thought (disappointing as I already thought I was a short ass) and my weight which we won't discuss here, ever or anywhere. Its feeling a bit more real today and I'm wondering if thats why I'm quite teary today (omg what am I doing???) not that I'm questioning my decision, more that I'm actually wondering what I'm doing - I have no idea. At least there's enough people in my life that have, thankfully.  And I told the doctor she will have to give me some guidance to which she agreed - phew.  Imagine if she said no. Haha worst doctor ever. I had a blood test today and another lovely urine test which I managed to successfully get in the bottle.. and my hand and everywhere else again.  I wonder if you ever get 'good' at doing a urine test? Hmmm well I'm not about to start practising.

I told my doc that I'm planning on having my baby at the birth centre.  She said that they cater for low risk births and because this is my first baby and I'm over 35 (shhhh) then they can be classed as 'complications' but to see what the birth centre says.  She is still happy to refer me there.

Speaking of which, the birth centre also called me today to get my medical history.  I said no to everything that started with "do you have.." and it will go to the powers that be to see if I can get in. Looks like I applied early enough so should be ok if they class me as low risk. The midwife was lovely and said that if there is more than one baby at my first scan, then that will change things (hell yeah lady!).  I said to her that would definitely put me in the 'heart attack' category as well as the 'mental health' category so I'm sure I'd be ruled out after that anyway.

I'm off to see Mary Poppins tonight at the theatre with the work crew.  I have offered to drive so noone questions why I'm not drinking.  Seems that is the hardest thing to keep from people.  They all know I enjoy a beverage or two so trying to get out of it is difficult.  Even at the baby shower on the weekend, I had to tell the mum-to-be I can't drink due to driving 3 hours back to Brisbane to which she replied "I was counting on you as one of my drinkers".  Oh dear, I need to lay low over the next 6 weeks!

Windy week 5

I don't care what anyone says, pregnancy = farting. There's no denying it.  So if you walk into an aisle in a supermarket and smell the stench of dead ass, it will coincide with the preggo chicky attempting to run out the door quick smart (more so she doesn't have to smell it either). So give her a break.  Early on in the pregnancy, it happens for whatever reason (excess gas, bowel distention blah blah) and well, I just found out it apparently happens throughout the pregnancy. Awesome. I get to look forward to the cool stuff (at least now I have an excuse).

I made the mistake before of reading "what you might be feeling" in the 9th month - holy jebus. I'm wondering if there's more aches and pains during that month than in some of my 90 year old patients lifetimes. I won't list them, it might put any prospective mother off and I'm sure I'll whinge about them later.

Speaking of whinging, poor Joe has been putting up with my whinging like there's no tomorrow.  There's the "oh my boobies, they're so heavy and sore" and "oh my belly's so bloated" and "oh I feel so premenstrual" (I thought I was getting rid of that for 40 weeks!) and "oh I'm farting so much" and "oh I feel sick".  I had to explain it to him that its like when he has man-flu. So he agreed and conceded he will have to put up with the equivalent of nine months of man-flu.  Poor guy, I really feel for him.

Last week didn't go without its theatrics (already). Mother dearest was wondering why I was telling friends and not all the family. I had to pull the granzilla card and remind her I've told immediate family and some of our close friends are like family to us. By the way, its my baby lady! Hehehe I realise she's just bursting with excitement to be a grandma and wants to gloat about it to everyone. In good time grandma, in good time.

Speaking of telling people, I told my grandad (affectionately known as Pa) on the weekend. Joe and I pulled him aside at the family dinner and told him. He was so damn happy, he cried, Joe cried and I cried. Pa even did a little jig. It was a ray of sunshine on a cloudy decade. My nan is unwell with dementia and he's on the verge of putting her in a nursing home, so it was very welcome news. He kept grabbing my arm all night and telling me how happy he was, that we've made his decade and I now need to take it easy (bless him). I had to remind him, he will be a great greandfather! He can't wait. Its so nice to get genuine and unconditional excitement, what a beautiful moment.

This week I'm finding the morning sickness has backed off completely. Woohoo. One less thing that Joe has to hear about it this week. I wonder if it will stay in its hole for the next 7 weeks or so.  Did I mention I was tired? I'm so tired in the afternoon, it must be all the people bits I'm making.  I'm like an elf factory for humans.  This week the pinhead transforms into a tadpole, so apparently I'm carrying Kermit the frogs kid. Well, I was always a big fan of the muppets. This week I'm in the middle of manufacturing the tadpoles heart and its starting to beat (woooah). No wonder I'm sooo god damn exhausted.  Making a heart is a full time job.

Workin hard for the baby

First week at work being up the duff (that I'm aware of anyway). Every morning we have a brief meeting to quickly run over clients/patients and I'm sitting there feeling quite ordinary and all I can think about is that I'm a baby factory. They are happily talking away about different patients and I'm sitting there silently screaming "I'M PREGNANT, DON'T YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND?? IT'S DIFFERENT TODAY, ITS NOT A NORMAL DAY. I'M UP THE DUFF, YOU KNOW, BUN IN THE OVEN, RIDING THE BABY TRAIN.. I CAN'T REALLY FOCUS ON ANY--" ahh and what do you think Mary? Mary? Maaary? (thats me) Mary how do you think they are going? umm oh yeah they are fine, going well, doing their exercises and walking better.... still silently screaming "IT DOESN'T MATTER, I'M P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T CAN'T YOU SEE?". Then personality splitting into "oh my god, do you think they know, can they tell? I hope they can't see my morning sickness, especially since all of a sudden I need to snack on nuts to get me through the morning, shiiiiiiiiiit - act normal, act normal". Wow pregnancy has turned me into a schizophrenic. A peeing, nauseous, tired as all hell schizophrenic. I didn't know it had that power.

Its funny how all of a sudden patients are asking me if I am married or if I have kids.. I'm thinking almost and almost but out loud - "no and no", I have a partner and he's a good fella, we are very happy and it might be on the cards but not yet .. hehe fooled them! One of the days at work I felt a little dizzy and lightheaded and asked one of the nurses to take my blood pressure, first thing she said was "you're not pregnant are you?" in a ha ha funny tone.. same response from the other physio.. both times I laugh along with them and say "no way! that would be bad timing wouldn't it" oh dear. I'm going to hell.  Fancy that, Mary going to hell.  Bet that wasn't documented.

Blood pressure was fine by the way.

By the time thursday came, I was exhausted.   Thursday arvo I was feeling off, nauseous (not usually reserved for the arvo), very tired and emotional.  Joe was still away at his work conference and all I wanted was a cuddle (I'm needy, I know). During the middle of the night that night the cat woke me and up and I felt instantly sick (not at the cat, although sometimes understandable) so by friday morning my boobs ached like never before and I thought I just can't go in to work today. I felt bad but I needed more sleep to knock over this crappy feeling. So I stayed home and slept on and off and kind of watched tv.  Felt much better for it.. thank goodness, for everyone's sake.

Finally Joe is home yay! I get my cuddle and a special treat for dinner (not what you're thinking, just pasta). No friday night goon night for me either.. I don't need it anyway because I pass out on the couch by about 10pm (very early for me - thanks pinhead).

Start spreading the news (but don't tell anyone)

The night of the big news from the doc, we are going to a fancy dress party.. a delayed halloween crossed with valentines day party. We had a great idea, Joe will go as Chucky from the movie Childs Play and I will go as Bride of Chucky (who apparently came into the movies later). This felt very apt to us.. (background check: the week before we went to A Day on the Green and Joe got down on one knee, I said yes and we had a lovely audience of some random people on the hill who clapped and cheered us.. mind you, I had been on the tipple all day, blissfully unaware I was in the process of making a person). We agreed we wouldn't tell many people about the bun in the oven, if any at all. I had already told my best friend as well as my bro but I wasn't sure who else to tell.. we met some friends beforehand and these particular friends are quite enamored by the odd alcoholic beverage and I knew that if I said I wasn't drinking, they would either know I was up the duff or force some kind of feral shot down my throat so I decided to tell them.. 

I'm afraid that may have started the snowball of people knowing. My lovely Joe told one of his closest friends and due to our recent engagement (which we are also keeping quiet due to no bling yet and I don't have the patience to fend off the "where's the ring?" or "have you got the ring yet?" questions) so when people were whispering congratulations, I wasn't sure if it was about my trout in the well or the engagement.. but most of the time it was the trout or both.. I left the party early (being sober at fancy dress drinking games parties are really NO fun) to stay at mum and dads and had to tell the crew that I wasn't feeling well. Being rather partial to an alcoholic beverage myself, its going to be very hard to attend any parties, BBQ's or gatherings because all of my friends know of my occasional over-indulgence.

Oh I almost forgot.. on the way to the coast for the party, we stopped at a shopping centre to get the final touches to our costumes and I am slowly realising - I can't eat anything!!! Geez, once upon a time the food world was my oyster and now, when you're in a food court, you're lucky if you can even touch a napkin let alone eat some of that food thats been sitting there for ??? (morning sickness or no morning sickness, I don't really want to think about how long that food's been sitting there - and don't mention the "beef" on the spit at the kebab shops - I like to call it elephant leg *vom*). Then, here we are happily eating away and Joe blurts out "what are we going to do about child care or day care?" I'm like WHAT?? I'm just getting used to the idea of being an incubator and you're thinking way too far ahead, even for you darling Joe! I still don't know.  We could be in Haiti next year for all I know. But he has got me thinking about it and schooling.. woooah the kid is already an imaginary teenager and its no bigger than a pinhead.. hehe "pinhead" maybe that can be its nickname? For now..

Anyway, back to the after party at mum and dads.. mum comes rushing out to hug me like she's never hugged me before.. its amazing that I have to create a human being to get over-enthusiastic suffocating hugs. As I'm falling asleep on the couch, they are firing a gazillion (yes, its a metric unit) questions at me, with a bit of what I should do thrown in.. I felt like I was on millionaire crossed with CSI without the cash incentive or Eddie Maguire (thank god).

The next morning I woke up to text messages and missed calls full of congratulations.. ahhh proud and pissy Joe on the blabber wagon. Here's that snowball I was talking about.. its nice to know he's excited and not freakin out.. bless him.  And at least now he has a driver for the next however-many months (I don't think I want to type the actual number it might be). 

After waking up at mums, it hits me like a bomb.. my first bout of morning sickness (woohoo another first). I find it weird that once I discover I'm with child (or pinhead) I'm all of a sudden nauseous, is it trying to tell me something? I was perfectly fine 2 days ago when I didn't know.. is someone watching saying (in booming god-like voice) "I'll make them think twice about expanding the human race, I'll make them as sick as hell, just to make sure they are completely on board with this".  Trust me dude, the idea of pushing a watermelon out the size of a pea hole is enough to put us off if we aren't completely sure.

Is that a second line??

First things first - yes, I am up the duff, I have a bun in the oven, I am knocked up, I'm riding the baby train, in the great words of Rizzo from Grease "I am a defective typewriter" (missing a period) and possibly my favourite "I have a trout in the well" (wtf???).  But just to clarify, I am not a virgin and by no means was this an immaculate conception - far from it considering we aren't married yet.. nothing pure about that apparently! But for the sake of this blog, we will go by the names of Mary and Joseph or Joe for short.

So, the long and short of it is, I'm a first time mum and this is my story (I could say journey but its very lame and quite frankly overused).. and to give you a quick history, Joe and I decided last year that we were going to ride the baby train (well, Joe finally agreed) and it was all going to come together (no pun intended) this year, 2012. I wanted to wait till my job was sorted and we were probably going to start "actively" trying around March sometime so we could get in better preparation etc etc.. but since the new year, lets just say the baby dance became less and less inhibited once we made our minds up! But lets not go too much into the whole baby dance thing...

One regular friday night in February, you know, come home from work, collapse on the couch and open the goon.. what? This is not your typical friday night?? Anyway, a few vinos later and I realise I may just be a defective typewriter after all.. my period (the crimson tide) was due today and it didn't come.. I know what you're all thinking - too early? However, my crimson tide is always clockwork.. therefore in my tipsy state something clicked and I decided to pee on a stick (still not your typical friday night??) and I swayed out of the toilet squinting and asking Joe if he thought that was a second line.. he, in his infinite wisdom, says yes that is definitely a second line, baby I think you're pregnant.. pfffft I said, I'm not so sure about that so I will contemplate that over another goon (responsible parenting 101). I even called mum and asked her what she thought and she said she wasn't sure and maybe check again in the morning "those home pregnancy tests weren't around in my day etc etc" so I said I would check again in the morning when the old pee pee is more concentrated and I am conscious.. how can we possibly tell now when we are two sheets to the wind???

6.30am and nature calls (background check: I have always constantly peed, my bladder is weak as hell so as far as urinary frequency as a sign of pregancy goes, I will never be able to tell and shriek at the thought of a baby pressing on my bladder in later months.. although, on the bright side - can it get much worse?) so anyway nature calls and in my half sleepy-tripping-over-the-dog state grab the stick in question.. waiting waiting waiting at 6.30am is definitely a sobering experience.. same result - faint second line..

Ok so its saturday morning and I should be sleeping in.. instead I am staring at this stick with a billion things going through my head.. I woke Joe to tell him and he agreed and looked very excited and happy and in the same sentence started snoring again.. hmmm this stick still looks the same as it did 30 mins ago.. I know! I'll go to the doctor when Joe goes into work and see if their test is more sensitive.. 

So, the doctor affectionately asks me to pee in a bottle. I'm not sure if I was more nervous about this than the actual result! Female aiming has its own art form boys.. just when you think the bottle is in the right place underneath - BAM! the pee has a mind of its own and is somehow coming out at a 90 degree angle.. so I'm waving the bottle around (I honestly thought I had more coordination) and after getting pee on my hand, the outside of the bottle, the seat and I'm sure the walls, I managed to get some in the bottle for a sample. I couldn't help feel sorry for the Dr knowing she had to hold the bottle!

Soooo guess what? 

The doctors test was exactly the same as mine!  She said "well, you're definitely pregnant, the positive line has come up and the other one is faint but you're definitely pregnant, its just very early" woah.. 3 weeks and 5 days early to be exact.. I'm still in disbelief, shaky and my signature on the medicare form looked like it did in 3rd grade.. so I jump in the car and drive over to Joe half crying on the way and he looks at me as if to say "tell me woman!!!" I nod my head and he hugs me and off we go hand-in-hand into the sunset (well actually to Woolies to get some groceries).  Isn't it funny how you just heard life altering news, yet life still goes on?

Then I said to Joe, I have to tell mum to which he agreed.. so I call her and as soon as I blurt the words out: "I'M PREGNANT!" mum starts screeching and I start crying which starts her crying and I'm sure if we were in the same room, we would need umbrellas and raincoats.. at least everyone is happy about it, including me but I am probably somewhat more stunned.. its been talked about for years, most of my friends have done it, I've worked around it, I've held one or two and even been nicknamed "the baby whisperer" and now its me - HOLY SHIT!!! (if you're listening baby, ignore mummy's bad swear words)